Depression Hurts

So, I haven't posted for awhile.  Some days are good, but some days the depression starts to creep in. The latter has been the experience lately.

Yes, I suffer from depression..... I'm not "depressed" all the time, but I do have depressive episodes that can last from days to weeks to sometimes months. I don't always know what will set off an episode or how long it will last. I always have the fear that whenever I enter one of those "episodes", that I will not be able to find my way out again.

I know it is hard on my husband...he wants to make it better. But really, there isn't anything he can "do".  I just hope that he keeps holding on to me and doesn't let go.

So, here I am again and I know I am entering the "black hole".  I'm just having a hard time with this time of the year.  I used to love Christmas, now I dread it and just look forward to "getting it done". I don't want to have that attitude. I'm just going to accept it this year that the tree may not be up until right before Christmas (or maybe not at all), Christmas cards will not be going out this year, and any Christmas gifts will probably be bought at the last minute.  Bills are not leaving me much out of my paycheck this year to use for Christmas and that makes me stressed out as well.

I know to some this may seem silly and I should "just get over it". But unless you have dealt with depression, I don't think a person can fully understand how overwhelming just the most simple thing can be.

There are days when I just want to run away from everything....to not be responsible for anything.  But I know that is not possible and really wouldn't solve anything anyway.

So, I just try and do the best I can and keep trying to remind myself I won't always feel like this.