Depression Hurts

So, I haven't posted for awhile.  Some days are good, but some days the depression starts to creep in. The latter has been the experience lately.

Yes, I suffer from depression..... I'm not "depressed" all the time, but I do have depressive episodes that can last from days to weeks to sometimes months. I don't always know what will set off an episode or how long it will last. I always have the fear that whenever I enter one of those "episodes", that I will not be able to find my way out again.

I know it is hard on my husband...he wants to make it better. But really, there isn't anything he can "do".  I just hope that he keeps holding on to me and doesn't let go.

So, here I am again and I know I am entering the "black hole".  I'm just having a hard time with this time of the year.  I used to love Christmas, now I dread it and just look forward to "getting it done". I don't want to have that attitude. I'm just going to accept it this year that the tree may not be up until right before Christmas (or maybe not at all), Christmas cards will not be going out this year, and any Christmas gifts will probably be bought at the last minute.  Bills are not leaving me much out of my paycheck this year to use for Christmas and that makes me stressed out as well.

I know to some this may seem silly and I should "just get over it". But unless you have dealt with depression, I don't think a person can fully understand how overwhelming just the most simple thing can be.

There are days when I just want to run away from everything....to not be responsible for anything.  But I know that is not possible and really wouldn't solve anything anyway.

So, I just try and do the best I can and keep trying to remind myself I won't always feel like this.

The Dreaded "D" Word

It's no secret, I HATE going to the dentist.  As I child, however, I really did like going to the dentist.  I can still remember getting to pick a toy, most often a ring, from the little treasure chest once my appointment was done.  And let's just say, I had a lot of rings in my collection.  I must have had really bad teeth when I was young, because I remember having all those silver caps on my teeth.

 As a young adult, I didn't really have any problems.  

However, in my late 20's, early 30's, I had a traumatic dental experience....and that was all it took.

I developed TMJ and it was determined that by removing my wisdom teeth, it would remedy my problem.

It was the removal of my wisdom teeth that did me in.  Morphine was the drug of choice for my dental surgeon.  During the procedure I sat up telling them I could feel everything and that I needed something more for the pain.....the request was refused.  They pulled one tooth, but had to cut out the other three.   My face was bruised for over two weeks.

My next trip to the dentist was just for a filing.  The dentist gave me the loopy drugs, but I didn't react to them the way that he hoped.  A phone call later from the dentist and my husband was there to pick me up.  Evidently, (I don't remember) I decided to fight the dentist anytime he came near me.  Since I was a "violent" person, they refused to work on me.

Now, I know better.  In order for me to go and have any type dental work done, I have to be put completely under with anesthesia.  The anxiety level of just knowing that I have to go to the dentist is extremely high.

I am writing this at the moment with a tooth ache.  I know what it means.  Another trip to the dentist.  So,  I'm preparing myself.  

Angela's Golden Honey Yeast Rolls

Please forgive the quality of the pictures.  Unfortunately, I don't have a camera and am having to make do with my phone.  The pictures really don't do these rolls justice.

Before I went back to work outside the home full time, these rolls were a staple in my home.  I made them at least twice a month, sometimes more.  I have to admit, since I have been working outside the home for almost 4 years now, I have made them maybe twice.

Baking is definitely a love of mine, and I miss it so.

My husband misses it too......

My poor bread maker has felt so neglected.  Time to show it some love.   I use my bread maker to do all the hard work of mixing the dough.     All of my ingredients are assembled on the counter. As you can see,  it doesn't take many ingredients to make up a batch of these yummy rolls.  Once everything is put in your bread maker, put it on the dough setting and hit start.

While the dough is making, I usually will start another recipe or go catch up on some housework.

I had to throw in this picture.  While the dough was mixing, I put away laundry.  This is Otis, our Catahoula Leopard watching me put away the laundry.

When your dough is done, you will punch down, let it rest, then roll into 24 dough balls.  You will let these rise for about 30 minutes.

Above is what it should look like after rising. 

 Just glaze, bake, and be prepared for a stampede to kitchen.

Golden Honey Pan Yeast Rolls

1 cup warm milk
1 egg
1egg yolk
1/2 cup oil
2 Tablespoons honey
1 1/2 teaspoon salt
3 1/2 cups bread flour
2 1/4 teaspoons yeast

Glaze:
1/3 cup sugar
2 Tablespoons butter, melted
2 Tablespoons honey
1 egg white

In bread machine, place first 8 ingredients in order.  Select dough setting.  When cycle is complete, turn dough onto lightly floured surface.
Punch down; cover and let rest 10 minutes.
Divide into 24 pieces; shape into balls.  Place into greased 9X13.  Cover and let rise in warm place until doubled - about 30 minutes.
For glaze, combine sugar, butter, honey and egg white.  
Drizzle glaze over dough.
Bake at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown

ENJOY!

Before and After Pictures

So,  I was looking back at some of my old posts this past weekend and read my original post 4 years ago in September 2009.

My husband and I found out a couple weeks before that the house we had put a contract on fell thru.  I felt very dishearted at the time.  The very same day we found that out,  I found a house online and instantly fell in love with the outside and the location.

We immediately called our realtor and drove out to see the house.  While we were there waiting for our realtor, another couple drove up to see the house along with their realtor.  We felt that maybe this wasn't going to work either and we could have just left.  Our realtor showed up and we viewed the house the same time as the other couple.  It was a vacant house that was in foreclosure.

After leaving, we IMMEDIATELY went back to the office and put an offer in.   The other couple was putting in an offer too.   

We were sooooo excited to learn in a couple of days that our offer was accepted!   Then the hard part came about....all the paperwork to secure the loan.  I won't go into the process, but we thought we had lost the house and ended up changing mortgage companies.  Our new mortgage officer made a miracle happen and were able to close on the house the day before Thanksgiving.  Boy, did we have something to be thankful for that year.

This what the kitchen looked like before we moved in.  Like I said, it was a foreclosure and for a foreclosure, it was in really good shape.  It had new flooring and carpets throughout the house and new paint.    The cabinets were builder grade cabinets.  The stove and the dishwasher had to be about 10 years old, and we had a white porcelain double sink.  

I was really thrilled about having an island.  It is something I always wanted.  The kitchen is also open to the family room.  

This is my kitchen four years later.  We redid the kitchen on a budget.  Instead of buying new cabinets, we refinished them Rustoleum Cabinet Transformation.  Total cost of refinishing the cabinets and the island was $150.00.   We replaced the door knobs and drawer pulls as well.  In addition to those changes, we replaced the countertops for under $300 and put in a stainless steel single sink (which i love!).  We still have a couple more items that need to be done.  

We still need to put up the copper backsplash.  You can see it in the picture laying against the back walls...it still needs to be installed all the way around.  And we need to finish laying the new floor.

Here's another taken from the family room so you can see the dining area.  Notice the ugly kitchen light fixture.  It was the first thing to go, especially since my husband whacked his head on it a couple of times.  I loved the big window that overlooked the woods in the back of the house.

Here's the after picture taken from the same view.  It is hard to tell, but in the before pictures, the walls are tan.  In the after pictures they are green.  You can see in this picture that the ugly kitchen light fixture was replaced by a stained glass light fixture.  

I love the fall...the colors, the warm cozy feeling it brings and wanted my kitchen to have that same feeling.  I spend more time in my kitchen and family room that any other place in my house and wanted it to have that comfy, inviting feeling.  It's still a work in progress, but I'm loving how it is all coming together.

Looking Back and Looking Forward

It's Sunday here.....no kids, no husband.

Brian is at work today (he has gone back to days).  My kids are grown and no longer live at home. My step kids are older now...8th grade, 9th grade, and the oldest is a Freshman at the University of Tennessee.

I don't know why after almost 4 years, I happened upon my blog.  So much has happened in the time I have been away.  Reading some of my old posts has made me yearn for time that has gone. I feel that I am a different person and was reading posts of someone that was not me.

I have been working full time now since November 2009.....almost a full four years.  I have struggled with my weight and my health and am pretty much sick of doctors (but that is another story).

But that is what happens with time, we learn, we grow, we change - sometimes good, sometimes not.  I am still trying to figure out which is true for me.

I think I still love to do the things from four years ago, but am finding it hard to organize my life to fit it all in since I work outside the home full-time.  I think I would love to go part time or quit all together, but that is not an option right now - maybe in five years (at least that is my goal).

I sometimes feel that I have not been a very good wife, although my husband would disagree.  He has been very supportive in any and all of my endeavors.  Sometimes, I feel I am not a good mom.  Even though my kids are grown (25, almost 23, almost 19), you never stop being a mom.  The long distance just makes it a bit harder....and it IS hard letting go.

I am blessed.....there is so much that is RIGHT in my life.  I love my home.  I have good friends. I have a wonderful, loving, caring husband.  I have a job that gives me the ability to pay our bills, help our children and give us that little extra we sometimes need.  

The sun is shinning, the weather is cool and the windows are open.  

All is well.

Link to New Blog

I hope everyone checks out my new blog:

A Long Weigh Home

New blog coming soon.....

Okay...please don't hate me. I know I've been gone for a VERY long time. I have a lot of things going on in my life.

I will be starting a new blog soon for those of you who might be interested in following my weight loss journey. I want it to be an encouraging site for those of you who are either on the same journey as I am or who wants to start the journey, but just doesn't know where to begin.

I hope you will join me. By the way, I've lost 35 pounds in 11 weeks!\

Have a great day!